(no subject)

I will never change.
that's a good thing.

For some, yes.
I am on a suicide mission,
headed for death,
loving each and every moment of it.

is this why you're talking to me? ha
don't let me be the last person you talk to.

Maybe I just wanted you to know that no matter how confusing your life gets, you'll prevail.

that's very nice of you, but why don't you take your own advice?

is my main dilemma

Someone please find me one day.
  • Current Music
    Sleeping People - People Staying Awake

Mark it 8?

About 4 hours ago I was considerably drunk, at El Myr for the second time today with Rachel. She and Daniel just broke up for good. She's down about it. I'm down about being alive in the mental/emotional state that I'm in. Both down. We had a good talk, I really missed her - however, I'm annoyed that I began drinking so early today, because had I been more sober I would have been able to spend more time with her.

Oh well.

Now I'm stone sober, awake at home, regretting life. Alone.

Sometimes I'm convinced there is nothing left to live for. I am so sick of this same shit every single day. The same sleepless nights. The same repetitive thoughts. The same fears, feelings, paranoia. I am watching The Big Lebowski right now. Again.

  • Current Mood

Please Kill Me

The friends I met through Chazz (restaurant) are close friends of mine now and we live together in a duplex about a mile from downtown, on the lower east side. Alex and I are done, although I don't think I ever really mentioned her. Check this shit out.

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Very High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

So, just in case I wasn't ALREADY sure enough about how fucked up I was, here's this to help me feel better. Wait - it gets better.

Borderline Personality Disorders are described as follows:
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing injury to their own body. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. Borderlines think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.

Symptoms also include...
* Self-injury or attempted suicide
* Strong feelings of anger, anxiety, or depression that last for several hours
* Impulsive behavior
* Drug or alcohol abuse
* Feelings of low self-worth
* Unstable relationships with friends, family, and boyfriends/girlfriends

Histrionic Personality Disorders are described as follows:
People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to describe everyday events and seek constant praise. Histrionics also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.

Paranoid Personality Disorders are described as follows:
Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant. They usually shift blame to other people and tend to carry long grudges.

Symptoms also include...
* Unwillingness to forgive perceived insults
* Excessive sensitivity to setbacks
* Distrustfulness and excessive self-reliance
* Projection of blame onto others
* Consumed by anticipation of betrayal
* Combative and tenacious adherence to personal rights
* Relentlessly suspicious

LIKE SERIOUSLY? THIS IS WHY I BURN EVERY BRIDGE I BUILD. Everything I elaborated on, it pretty much describes me perfectly.

I am so sick inside and it makes me sick outside too. Sick to my stomach. You can smell the fear of life and the self hatred on my breath each and every night in the form of alcohol and cigarette smoke.

I'm down to the last thread. If my branches weren't completely fucking rotten, perhaps I would be able to withstand the weight of life. What happens when the cold, icy reality finally causes my limbs to give way and fall to the ground? It's like every day I'm sitting here anticipating my impending doom. I feel restless, sad, scared, uncomfortable. I really want help but I'm too scared to stop drinking and drugs. I'm too scared to change. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. Publish me in the updated issue of the Big Book, I sound just like all of those people... I know there is a solution, but why can't I just PURSUE it? Furthermore, I know WHAT the solution is. I am a fucking coward.


I'm doing fine now I suppose if it matters.

So far, this year I have: Moved into another house show place (The Cat Cave), acquired a job AND quit, made new friends through that job, wow I'm too lazy to continue this post.

(no subject)

Currently sitting on a slightly sunken red sofa in my best friend's room. In front of me on a cluttered and disorganized coffee table is a water bottle full of vodka,(which is revolting) and a pile of stale Cheez-its that I keep picking at. The night has burned itself out and all that remains are my red coals of insomnia, a computer screen illuminating a dark bedroom where Shaun and Eli sleep soundly.

I wish I were still high from earlier. I wish I had not come down... and come to think of it, that's my problem. Actually, I question myself, is that the problem, or is that the product of my thoroughly unproductive life? Maybe the whole deal is like a vicious cycle, like I stay high to forget the fact that I am so unsatisfied with my life, or perhaps getting high is the reason I am so unsatisfied with my lack of productivity/direction. Honestly, I can't decide - but both of those are true statements. I also drink... all the time. I've been out of a job for a couple months, and with the all-essential money flow having ceased, my funds have run out. So, getting drinking money is a little bit of a problem. I find myself bumming singles from friends sometimes. Also, the other day at a fast food joint's drive through, I caught myself opening the car door and inspecting the ground at the window for spare change. It's sick.

Also, my cell phone service has been suspended, and for anyone who doesn't know how much that sucks, any newly ignited friendships have long since burned out before they even got a chance. Just because of stupid accessibility handicaps. I can no longer access my friends as quickly and easily as I used to, and now I find myself... very lonely. On top of that, I lost my apartment. All of my belongings are stored in my parents' garage - oh, and we aren't on speaking terms, so going over there to get things is a real drag. Awkward. I've been staying at Jordan's. It weighs on my heavily.

I wish I was self sufficient again. I wish I was generous, caring, and creative again. I haven't read a book in almost two years, and this is the first thing I have written in many, many, many months. I seem to have even lost my creative spark... I am so depressed. BUT, I have been presented with a few options:

Well, just one:

1.) Work in the woods in Vermont for a couple months and make some money. http://www.vycc.org/positions/corpsmembers.html

I forgot what I was writing. Poor me. I need to start reading again. Or writing.
  • Current Mood

(no subject)

I've been feeling really down lately, finding it hard to get up before 2 or 3 in the afternoon, feeling the same fear I've been feeling for months. Fear of the future, or actually, fear of the prospect of no future. Everything felt more alive at some point, and sometimes I wish I could just rewind back to the way I was last summer, but I feel like I hardly even know that person anymore.

I went to jail recently because a cop walked up on me writing graffiti, but he just got me with loitering on the railroad tracks. Those 28 hours in jail were so scary, I kept thinking that maybe just possibly I was never going to get out. Maybe I had done something during the days of my drinking that would land me in there forever. The same discouraging thoughts ran through my head over and over, and the whole experience became a living hell. I almost cried when I was told I was being released. When I was told that I could leave the courtroom, I did just that, I walked right out - upon realizing that no police had exited the courtroom with me, I did a dance and sprinted up the stairs and out of the courthouse. I was free. I ran over to the police station and picked up my nose ring, my keys, and "assorted gold pendants" and the 2 bucks that had been in my pocket, then immediately walked to a corner store to pick up an Arizona Mucho Mango and Grandma's Cookies - Exactly 2 bucks. I didn't have my breeze card, so I snuck into Five Points station and laid on the floor of the train when I got on. It was the most beautiful thing to be free again after all the sorrow and depression of being in jail.

Anyway. I never want to go there again. I need something new to happen in my life. I am too upset these days.

(no subject)

I was wrong when I said alcohol couldn't take away love. Alcohol made me feel dead. I am now 3 weeks sober, because I'm afraid I will lose all feeling whatsoever if I continue to drink. Every day was a blur, but a slow blur. Distorted - filming the movie I tried to call my life through a dirty lens. Hazy. Dead.


I left for you, I hope you understand that. Every second that clicked by was my life, our relationship leaking through my fingers. I left for you. I loved you too much to let them keep me away from you any longer. I don't think you'll ever understand, even though you say you do - all I could do every day and every night was sit with my headphones on and think of you. It was a full time job. Nine to five, thinking about you, craving your voice, craving your touch. I had never felt it before, but I knew how it would feel. It feel exactly how I daydreamed it would.

Since I left AYC and came home, life has been everything I hoped it would be, and more... you guys are my happiness. Things are looking up.

Things are getting better. My life is good.
  • Current Music
    Pedro the Lion - Of Up and Coming Monarchs


I am feeling sort of down lately. Oh well. Visit home in March. Be there or be square. I need to smoke. That's all.
  • Current Music
    TV on the radio


Today was interesting. I was alone in the student cafe early this morning like at 6, writing Jordan a 20 page letter at the table, and this girl named Lilly from Montana Academy came up and sat down next to me and was just like "Hi, Bob." We ended up talking for almost a full hour about lots of things, from music to our hometowns to our problems. It was really awesome. She's from Memphis. I've always wanted to try living in Memphis.

Picture time.

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  • Current Music
    Kylesa - What Becomes an End
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