Currently sitting on a slightly sunken red sofa in my best friend's room. In front of me on a cluttered and disorganized coffee table is a water bottle full of vodka,(which is revolting) and a pile of stale Cheez-its that I keep picking at. The night has burned itself out and all that remains are my red coals of insomnia, a computer screen illuminating a dark bedroom where Shaun and Eli sleep soundly.
I wish I were still high from earlier. I wish I had not come down... and come to think of it, that's my problem. Actually, I question myself, is that the problem, or is that the product of my thoroughly unproductive life? Maybe the whole deal is like a vicious cycle, like I stay high to forget the fact that I am so unsatisfied with my life, or perhaps getting high is the reason I am so unsatisfied with my lack of productivity/direction. Honestly, I can't decide - but both of those are true statements. I also drink... all the time. I've been out of a job for a couple months, and with the all-essential money flow having ceased, my funds have run out. So, getting drinking money is a little bit of a problem. I find myself bumming singles from friends sometimes. Also, the other day at a fast food joint's drive through, I caught myself opening the car door and inspecting the ground at the window for spare change. It's sick.
Also, my cell phone service has been suspended, and for anyone who doesn't know how much that sucks, any newly ignited friendships have long since burned out before they even got a chance. Just because of stupid accessibility handicaps. I can no longer access my friends as quickly and easily as I used to, and now I find myself... very lonely. On top of that, I lost my apartment. All of my belongings are stored in my parents' garage - oh, and we aren't on speaking terms, so going over there to get things is a real drag. Awkward. I've been staying at Jordan's. It weighs on my heavily.
I wish I was self sufficient again. I wish I was generous, caring, and creative again. I haven't read a book in almost two years, and this is the first thing I have written in many, many, many months. I seem to have even lost my creative spark... I am so depressed. BUT, I have been presented with a few options:
Well, just one:
1.) Work in the woods in Vermont for a couple months and make some money. http://www.vycc.org/positions/corpsmembers.html
I forgot what I was writing. Poor me. I need to start reading again. Or writing.