|
THIS JOURNAL DOES NOT EXIST!
|
|
|
|
[13 Sep 2009|11:01am] |
I've been feeling really down lately, finding it hard to get up before 2 or 3 in the afternoon, feeling the same fear I've been feeling for months. Fear of the future, or actually, fear of the prospect of no future. Everything felt more alive at some point, and sometimes I wish I could just rewind back to the way I was last summer, but I feel like I hardly even know that person anymore.
I went to jail recently because a cop walked up on me writing graffiti, but he just got me with loitering on the railroad tracks. Those 28 hours in jail were so scary, I kept thinking that maybe just possibly I was never going to get out. Maybe I had done something during the days of my drinking that would land me in there forever. The same discouraging thoughts ran through my head over and over, and the whole experience became a living hell. I almost cried when I was told I was being released. When I was told that I could leave the courtroom, I did just that, I walked right out - upon realizing that no police had exited the courtroom with me, I did a dance and sprinted up the stairs and out of the courthouse. I was free. I ran over to the police station and picked up my nose ring, my keys, and "assorted gold pendants" and the 2 bucks that had been in my pocket, then immediately walked to a corner store to pick up an Arizona Mucho Mango and Grandma's Cookies - Exactly 2 bucks. I didn't have my breeze card, so I snuck into Five Points station and laid on the floor of the train when I got on. It was the most beautiful thing to be free again after all the sorrow and depression of being in jail.
Anyway. I never want to go there again. I need something new to happen in my life. I am too upset these days.
|
|
|
[16 Jul 2009|02:23am] |
|
I was wrong when I said alcohol couldn't take away love. Alcohol made me feel dead. I am now 3 weeks sober, because I'm afraid I will lose all feeling whatsoever if I continue to drink. Every day was a blur, but a slow blur. Distorted - filming the movie I tried to call my life through a dirty lens. Hazy. Dead.
|
|
| Jordan |
[15 Jul 2008|05:32pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Pedro the Lion - Of Up and Coming Monarchs |
] |
I left for you, I hope you understand that. Every second that clicked by was my life, our relationship leaking through my fingers. I left for you. I loved you too much to let them keep me away from you any longer. I don't think you'll ever understand, even though you say you do - all I could do every day and every night was sit with my headphones on and think of you. It was a full time job. Nine to five, thinking about you, craving your voice, craving your touch. I had never felt it before, but I knew how it would feel. It feel exactly how I daydreamed it would.
Since I left AYC and came home, life has been everything I hoped it would be, and more... you guys are my happiness. Things are looking up.
Things are getting better. My life is good.
|
|
| Damn |
[22 Feb 2008|10:36am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
TV on the radio |
] |
I am feeling sort of down lately. Oh well. Visit home in March. Be there or be square. I need to smoke. That's all.
|
|
| SOME MORE TIGHT PICTURES |
[12 Feb 2008|08:24am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Kylesa - What Becomes an End |
] |
Today was interesting. I was alone in the student cafe early this morning like at 6, writing Jordan a 20 page letter at the table, and this girl named Lilly from Montana Academy came up and sat down next to me and was just like "Hi, Bob." We ended up talking for almost a full hour about lots of things, from music to our hometowns to our problems. It was really awesome. She's from Memphis. I've always wanted to try living in Memphis.
Picture time.
( Ready yourself... )
|
|
| Blah. |
[11 Feb 2008|11:11am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Napalm Death - Silence is Deafening |
] |
Same shit, different day.
I just completely blew away my speech class with a dramatic speech on how to peacefully subdue your cat. It was priceless, really, everyone (including me) was in stitches for a large part of it. I'm REALLY proud of my public speaking skills!
This weekend wasn't much different than last weekend. I didn't do much. I ate a nice piece of cake and took my weekly shower. Lifted weights a bunch. I benched 260 this weekend, which in my mind is unbelievable. If I were to backtrack one full year, I could never have seen myself even getting very far past 200. It's cool because I don't look all bulky either, and if I wear bigger shirts I look like a skinny bitch.
The snow has been melting, yesterday was a hair above freezing and it was nice to be able to be outside in shorts and a t-shirt for long periods of time. This morning I woke up around 5:00 and went out on the roof for a "still dark early morning smoke" and busted ass when I slipped on the ice.
I've been sending out a multitude of letters lately, I sent out 7 this weekend and received just as many throughout the week last week. I went through my letters and put them in a binder, I have an assload, over 200. I'm so grateful for all of you - Letters like the ones you send let me know who my real friends are, who actually cares, and who I'll want to spend time with when I get home. There are those who haven't sent me much at all, and I'm disappointed but I guess that's life. I'm thankful for everyone who has taken the time to write to me. It's like a breath of fresh air every time I see a letter in the mailbox for me. I love you guys.
|
|
| Refreshing Start |
[31 Jan 2008|09:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Earth - Tibetan Quaaludes |
] |
Today was cool to begin with. When we dropped the kids off a High School, I decided that I would get out too, so I could see Aly and Jen and get some stuff out of my locker. Sure enough, they were in there, and Jen pretty much tackled me. It was so nice to see them. Mail is great, I mean, it's enough to stay in close correspondence (I'm doing that with someone back home), but it was really great to see them. God, I needed that.
Anyway, my week has been ok. I've been eating a lot of strange shit lately and doing a lot of pushups, which is cool because I hardly ever do pushups. I can do 80 at a time. I was impressed to see that I could do so many.
Also, for my creative writing class (which is amazing) I wrote a character preview. We are writing "stories" but I think mine will be more of a book. I wrote down a grabbing preview paper to give the reader an idea of what the story is going to be about, and I think it's the best short story I have EVER written. I'll put it on here next Tuesday. Also, for speak class, I wrote a how-to speech called "How to Peacefully Subdue Your Cat", and it IS amazing. I'll post it as well.
Anyway, I'm super bored, class doesn't start for 2 more hours. I think I'm going to go back to the student body room and hang out with everyone.
Until next time...
|
|
| First day of college |
[29 Jan 2008|10:38am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Mind Eraser - Manhood |
] |
So today is the first day of college, and I'm sitting here in my first period class. So far it's fine, althought I really miss Flathead High. This morning I got here around 8, so I sat around in the student lounge with and laughed with a couple fun girls from the other halfway house called Montana Academy. It's about 10:39 now, which is cool. I got a couple hours to just sit and chill with people, and I'm pretty sure it'll be this way every Tuesday, which is nice - I would have liked for things to have been this way in High School. The student lounge has an Xbox in it, and a TV, and food, and a foosball table... awesome. I ate some this morning, and hid my jacket in there so no one would find it. Blah. I feel very scatter-brained right now. Anyway, the building I'm in right now is very pretty, and if I had to describe it, I would describe it as just a big window. It's awesome.
Anyway, I'll write more later. I've got a lot of mixed feelings about a certain something, it's confusing, but the USPS will help me figure it out. Hooray for mailing people.
|
|
| Last Day of School |
[25 Jan 2008|09:24am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Smashing Pumpkins - The Sacred and Profane |
] |
I awoke to the droning thumps of the afternoon bell. Groggily, I raised my head from a smelly puddle of drool that had pooled on my desk. Rubbing my eyes with the collar of my shirt, I pushed my chair back with the backs of my knees and stood. I had no books to carry. Walking through the doorway and into the hall, I converged with the flood of underclassmen darting around, the football team whooping, and cheerleaders yelling at their parents through their cell phones. The whole school of over three thousand walking into the forum, I heard talk of parties, beer, weed, McDonalds, and summer trips. My eyes cast low, I followed the flux of raging hormones toward the final destination. The glowing monolith of the front doors, it almost seemed unreal that I was about to pass through them for the last time. As I approached, the light grew brighter and brighter until my vision nearly whited out... and I found myself bathed in golden sunlight. The wind tugged my hood off, and I felt the autumn sun warm the top of my head. School's Out.
...
|
|
| A look back into the life. |
[24 Jan 2008|12:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
reflective |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Figurines - The Wonder |
] |
So today is a finals day. Barely anyone is here, and I have no finals to take today. So, I’ve been sitting here in the computer lab with Mr. Hanson reading through my old journal entries. I have finished my reading and I have come to the conclusion that I used to be a huge douche. One can reason that it’s ok because most of us were, but I was a HUGE douche. I also read that I lost a lot of friends when I began to change and go through the stages with “glam” and being a scene kid. HA. I’m glad I grew out of that. I didn’t have the slightest idea of what fashion really was. And I had no fashionable clothing. I’m glad to be a man. Also, my first time drinking was on October 2nd, 2005. http://this-is-poetry.livejournal.com/92577.html “i can barely WALK I JUAR had 2 cups of jagermeister and 2 beers. i also smoked abut 4 cigaretteS. IM hwere mentally but my body is so woozy. i love you jilliAN” HA. That’s jacked up. It was a very controversial issue, and I got like 20 comments from people, including Dustin who called me a faggot. It’s so weird – Dustin and I have been best friends for over a year now. We’ve done a lot of things together and we’ve been through a lot. He and Christina even met through me, yeah, Christina Winslett, closest friend in the world. They went on to date for a long ass time. It’s weird how all the people that used to think I was a joke became my best friends. Like Vincent Darnell Wynn II! Haha, I remember how we used to hate each other. And Dustin too. The Loganville group that I almost “fought” http://this-is-poetry.livejournal.com/103800.html Well, I ended up spending EVERY single day for about a year with them. I became attached at the hip with guys like Zach Debroka, Jarod Chase, Reese Blalock, Trey “Stumpy” Hodges, Cameron Paris… etc. And all of the girls too. It’s so strange how contradictory life experiences are. It’s just plain FUCKING CRAZY. And now I’m in Montana. In a rehab aftercare program. FUCKED UP!
So anyway, I today Aly and Jen presented a gift to me during lunch. It was a collection of spoons (I have begun collecting spoons since I have been in Montana) that they went and bought for me at different thrift stores. They’re all different, and each one represents something Aly says. I love them. They’ve been so good to me, and I could never ever forget friends like that, even after I return to Georgia.
If you are on my friends list, I encourage you to go through my journal. Almost my WHOLE teen experience is documented on this thing.
It’s crazy.
Love, Drugs, Depression, Fights, Friends, Bands, Girls, Guys, Music, Styles, Clothes, Religion, etc… fuck.
|
|
| Untitled |
[21 Jan 2008|01:13pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Elliott Smith - L.A. |
] |
A numbing chill gnaws at my face as I push the door to the rooftop deck open, an unlit cigarette dangling idly between my lips. Instantly I feel the hair in my nose freeze; it tickles, and I push on my nose as if it were a tingling red button to crack the hairs. I hear the door shut behind me, and I mechanically pull my hood down over my forehead and start toward the butt can on other side of the deck. The butt can is an old red coffee can, and surrounded by benches on three sides. I smile to myself; it almost looks like the benches are frozen people, dead, huddled around a dead, metallic fire long since extinguished by the cold. I tap my jacket’s pockets in search of a lighter, and I curse myself when I find myself picking up the smoldering butt of an old cigarette and holding it to the end of my own. The wind picks up again, and I feel a shiver shoot down my spine, rattling every inch of my body. I huddle for warmth beneath the clear nighttime sky, periodically taking drags from my cigarette. The ground almost seems lit with the snow reflecting the moonlight so strongly; even the trees seem to be shimmering in the moonlight. Sucking in smoke, I inch my way over to the edge of the balcony – over the balcony I can see the city lights scattered out below for miles and miles, And above the tallest of blinking radio towers is the celestial deity scientists call the Moon. The trees, the radio towers, and even the mountains almost seem to reach to it. I exhale a thick stream of smoke, and even it seems to dance upward into the moonlight. My eyes fix on the it – It’s beautiful, yes, but the main reason for my attention is the energy I feel coming from it. As I fall into the craters and valley of the moon’s luminous surface, I can almost feel your presence. I can feel you next to me, I can feel your warmth through the deadly cold. Still fixated on the moon, my eyes begin to close – I can feel your loving hands on my back, working their way up… and a shiver shoots through me again as the wind picks up. I blink, and shake my head a little. The moon seems so far away now. I take one more drag, stare over the balcony for one more icy moment, turn, and walk to the butt can. Exhaling, I drop the cigarette into it, and walk across the deck, to the door. I stop, my gloved hand paused on the doorknob – and I think back to the times this year I felt most alive. I think back to the beautiful experiences, and I think of you. Suddenly, the wind picks up, and I snap out of my brief daze. I hastily go inside, and slow my pace as I pass the window on the walk toward my room, for I see the smoke from my glowing cigarette butt still ascending up to the sky.
|
|
| Well, |
[18 Jan 2008|12:54pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Cult of Luna - Receiver |
] |
The new guys are chill but they both seem really burnt out, and neither really seem like people I would hang out with outside AYC. But, they are from Georgia. So that's cool, I suppose.
Oh, and last night I went and registered at FVCC. It was a tedious process, but I'm taking some cool classes. I'm taking Digital Photography, Creative Writing, and Public Speaking. COOL!
I got my memory card back from Emily, and she put a bunch of pictures on it for me. They ALL make me want to cry. I just keep reminding myself that I'll be back. I will fucking be back.
That's all for now, I guess. I'll write a more in depth entry sometime soon.
|
|
| Two new guys. |
[17 Jan 2008|12:58pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Cult of Luna - Back to Chapel Town |
] |
Today we're supposed to get TWO new guys. In the next month we will be getting 7 new people in the house. That's a back breaking number, considering that we're losing a lot of guys too. We may experience some rough times with this, with all of these new guys going through their struggles. So begins my second generation at AYC.
Today has been ok, there is really nothing on my mind other than that I want to buy a composition book when I get home and use it to document a series of bicycle expeditions that I'm going to go on. I want to have a polaroid camera for quick shots, and lots of #4 pencils to use. I want to actually do something with this - maybe I'll write a book about my travels. All I know is that I need more of them. SOON.
It won't be so long now. One more semester. I've done one. Time to start over again, go to a new school, meet new people, and complete one more.
That's all for now, I suppose. I've been listening to a LOT of Cult of Luna lately, and this band called Simian.
|
|
| A comfortable day. |
[16 Jan 2008|12:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Cult of Luna - Dim |
] |
I wore sweats to school for the first time ever (in all my years of being in school) today. They are grey and size youth large. They fit pretty slim but are also really slouchy. I like them. I started off wearing jeans, but halfway to school D-Man told me and Pat that we were going back to the house instead of school. So, we went back and it turned out we were to get Montana I.D. cards (which means that when I turn 18 I can buy cigarettes, among other things). But, I didn't have my birth certificate on file, so I just ended up smoking a bunch of cigarettes and changing into sweats. Then I went back to school. And shit broke loose. Everyone commented on how much they like them. Jen kept studying my crotch. Some people commented on my ass. IT RULED. It kind of felt like wearing pajamas to school. This is just a really new experience for me... I have never in my 17 years worn sweats to school. And now I finally have.
Also something weird happened just a second ago. I found MY special coffee mug from IB Theory of Knowledge in my 5th period classroom, right next to this computer.
My buddy Aly is giving me all these mixed signals about shit and it's making me really annoyed. I don't know what to think so I'll just think nothing of it. I don't like this inconsistency between us, so whatever. Maybe I'm just clingy because of where I'm at in life. I have to take a shit.
|
|
| Ah. |
[15 Jan 2008|11:55am] |
It’s the 15th already. Tomorrow is my 5 month mark for being at AYC. On the 22nd I begin college. 17 years old and in college. Cool! I really don’t want to leave my friends here, but things are starting to go south between Aly and I… and at this point I’m just ready for some change. Mainly I just miss home. I miss everyone I love. But, I’ll be back before I know it. Just one more semester. Maybe it will fly by as quickly as this one did.
Until next time.
|
|
| Blah. |
[03 Jan 2008|12:46pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Mental - Respect |
] |
I'm really stressed and distressed lately. The blood's boiling inside me. My head is a mess. I mean, I could give it all up and walk out of Alternative Youth Care when I turn 18, or I could tough it out for 3 more months after I turn 18 and possibly drift away from the close friends I've made in Kalispell... only to return home. If I left at 18 I would continue to be with my friends in Montana and also have a way to fly home. But that would mean throwing out 7 months of AYC and 9 months of treatment! FUCK. That's so irrational.
I also need to get off this strattera bullshit. It makes me feel sexually docile. No joking around... it's fucked up.
My grades are ok. That isn't enough to make me feel better, though. Oh well, hopefully this will pass. Life has it's ups and downs, I suppose.
I miss everyone.
|
|
| The clock is ticking. |
[02 Jan 2008|01:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
worried |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Pelican - Drought |
] |
Christmas was alright. I hung out with Aly a couple times, which was awesome. My parents like her. I'm sad, though. It feels like everyone I grow attached to just ends up getting taken from me. I really need to figure shit out and decide what's gonna happen. I can't decide what's next. Soon I will be faced with a choice.
FUCK. So it's 2008. I'm clean and sober. I feel almost refreshed... starting the year off like this. It's a good feeling. I have been in treatment for 7 months now... that's a little less of a good feeling, but it has done a lot for me and I'm thankful.
Love to all of my friends.
I wrote this recently.
Beads of sweat trickle down my face – it is a hot day, but as I coast along the weathered sidewalks of Lawrenceville, the wind keeps me relatively cool. I power over hills and idle across the streets, crossing to the left side of the street, where an intersection approaches. Up ahead, Buford Drive (Highway 20) laterally marks the end of Highway 124. I pedal hard and propel myself into a left turn onto Highway 20. Dropping off the sidewalk first with the front tire, and the rear tire following shortly after, I make my way to the right side of the road and ride the solid yellow boundary line on the far side. The wind gusts hard, sand and city dust sting the exposed skin on my face; dirty, brown, dirt stained areas around a pair of thick, vintage aviation goggles that used to belong to my great grandfather. Great arms of ancient trees crisscross the street ahead as they reach for the sky, providing me with temporary relief from the blistering afternoon sun. To my left, I spot an old, out of commission bus depot, a public housing establishment, and several auto shops and even more pawn shops. I gently squeeze my rear brake, and veer to the left, hopping the curb, crossing the sidewalk, and slowly beginning to glide down the grassy shoulder of the road as it drops off. I squeeze my brake harder and eventually come to a silent stop at the bottom of the hill. In front of me is a billboard, covered in vines that droop down from it and cover the ground below. The kudzu vines partially cover what seems to be a forgotten basketball court. Through the loose web of vines that mask the concrete, I can see that it has begun to turn brownish, and it is riddled with elaborate graffiti paintings. I hop from the seat of my bicycle and walk it into the shade of the billboard, resting it against a black pole beneath it that looks like it used to be a basketball goal. I groan under the stress of wiggling off my heavily overstuffed pack, and set it down next to my bicycle. I can feel the wind cooling the sweat-drenched valley between my shoulder blades. The shoulder and waist straps have left dark sweat marks on my grey shirt. Spreading my arms, I tilt my head to the sky and welcome the cool breezes as the envelope me. I promise myself to come back to this urban sanctuary more often. Sadly, I haven’t been back yet.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
this_is_poetry's journal
