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[23 Nov 2010|05:57am]
I will never change.
that's a good thing.

For some, yes.
I am on a suicide mission,
headed for death,
loving each and every moment of it.

is this why you're talking to me? ha
don't let me be the last person you talk to.

Maybe I just wanted you to know that no matter how confusing your life gets, you'll prevail.

that's very nice of you, but why don't you take your own advice?

is my main dilemma

Someone please find me one day.
( 01) ... ...Fuck HTML

Mark it 8? [31 Aug 2010|04:12am]
[ mood | discontent ]

About 4 hours ago I was considerably drunk, at El Myr for the second time today with Rachel. She and Daniel just broke up for good. She's down about it. I'm down about being alive in the mental/emotional state that I'm in. Both down. We had a good talk, I really missed her - however, I'm annoyed that I began drinking so early today, because had I been more sober I would have been able to spend more time with her.

Oh well.

Now I'm stone sober, awake at home, regretting life. Alone.

Sometimes I'm convinced there is nothing left to live for. I am so sick of this same shit every single day. The same sleepless nights. The same repetitive thoughts. The same fears, feelings, paranoia. I am watching The Big Lebowski right now. Again.


...Fuck HTML

Please Kill Me [09 Aug 2010|11:04am]
[ mood | blank ]

The friends I met through Chazz (restaurant) are close friends of mine now and we live together in a duplex about a mile from downtown, on the lower east side. Alex and I are done, although I don't think I ever really mentioned her. Check this shit out.

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Very High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

So, just in case I wasn't ALREADY sure enough about how fucked up I was, here's this to help me feel better. Wait - it gets better.

Borderline Personality Disorders are described as follows:
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing injury to their own body. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. Borderlines think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.

Symptoms also include...
* Self-injury or attempted suicide
* Strong feelings of anger, anxiety, or depression that last for several hours
* Impulsive behavior
* Drug or alcohol abuse
* Feelings of low self-worth
* Unstable relationships with friends, family, and boyfriends/girlfriends

Histrionic Personality Disorders are described as follows:
People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to describe everyday events and seek constant praise. Histrionics also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.

Paranoid Personality Disorders are described as follows:
Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant. They usually shift blame to other people and tend to carry long grudges.

Symptoms also include...
* Unwillingness to forgive perceived insults
* Excessive sensitivity to setbacks
* Distrustfulness and excessive self-reliance
* Projection of blame onto others
* Consumed by anticipation of betrayal
* Combative and tenacious adherence to personal rights
* Relentlessly suspicious

LIKE SERIOUSLY? THIS IS WHY I BURN EVERY BRIDGE I BUILD. Everything I elaborated on, it pretty much describes me perfectly.

I am so sick inside and it makes me sick outside too. Sick to my stomach. You can smell the fear of life and the self hatred on my breath each and every night in the form of alcohol and cigarette smoke.

I'm down to the last thread. If my branches weren't completely fucking rotten, perhaps I would be able to withstand the weight of life. What happens when the cold, icy reality finally causes my limbs to give way and fall to the ground? It's like every day I'm sitting here anticipating my impending doom. I feel restless, sad, scared, uncomfortable. I really want help but I'm too scared to stop drinking and drugs. I'm too scared to change. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. Publish me in the updated issue of the Big Book, I sound just like all of those people... I know there is a solution, but why can't I just PURSUE it? Furthermore, I know WHAT the solution is. I am a fucking coward.

...Fuck HTML

Well [01 May 2010|06:24pm]
I'm doing fine now I suppose if it matters.

So far, this year I have: Moved into another house show place (The Cat Cave), acquired a job AND quit, made new friends through that job, wow I'm too lazy to continue this post.
...Fuck HTML

[23 Jan 2010|05:24am]
[ mood | calm ]

Currently sitting on a slightly sunken red sofa in my best friend's room. In front of me on a cluttered and disorganized coffee table is a water bottle full of vodka,(which is revolting) and a pile of stale Cheez-its that I keep picking at. The night has burned itself out and all that remains are my red coals of insomnia, a computer screen illuminating a dark bedroom where Shaun and Eli sleep soundly.

I wish I were still high from earlier. I wish I had not come down... and come to think of it, that's my problem. Actually, I question myself, is that the problem, or is that the product of my thoroughly unproductive life? Maybe the whole deal is like a vicious cycle, like I stay high to forget the fact that I am so unsatisfied with my life, or perhaps getting high is the reason I am so unsatisfied with my lack of productivity/direction. Honestly, I can't decide - but both of those are true statements. I also drink... all the time. I've been out of a job for a couple months, and with the all-essential money flow having ceased, my funds have run out. So, getting drinking money is a little bit of a problem. I find myself bumming singles from friends sometimes. Also, the other day at a fast food joint's drive through, I caught myself opening the car door and inspecting the ground at the window for spare change. It's sick.

Also, my cell phone service has been suspended, and for anyone who doesn't know how much that sucks, any newly ignited friendships have long since burned out before they even got a chance. Just because of stupid accessibility handicaps. I can no longer access my friends as quickly and easily as I used to, and now I find myself... very lonely. On top of that, I lost my apartment. All of my belongings are stored in my parents' garage - oh, and we aren't on speaking terms, so going over there to get things is a real drag. Awkward. I've been staying at Jordan's. It weighs on my heavily.

I wish I was self sufficient again. I wish I was generous, caring, and creative again. I haven't read a book in almost two years, and this is the first thing I have written in many, many, many months. I seem to have even lost my creative spark... I am so depressed. BUT, I have been presented with a few options:

Well, just one:

1.) Work in the woods in Vermont for a couple months and make some money. http://www.vycc.org/positions/corpsmembers.html

I forgot what I was writing. Poor me. I need to start reading again. Or writing.

...Fuck HTML

[13 Sep 2009|11:01am]
I've been feeling really down lately, finding it hard to get up before 2 or 3 in the afternoon, feeling the same fear I've been feeling for months. Fear of the future, or actually, fear of the prospect of no future. Everything felt more alive at some point, and sometimes I wish I could just rewind back to the way I was last summer, but I feel like I hardly even know that person anymore.

I went to jail recently because a cop walked up on me writing graffiti, but he just got me with loitering on the railroad tracks. Those 28 hours in jail were so scary, I kept thinking that maybe just possibly I was never going to get out. Maybe I had done something during the days of my drinking that would land me in there forever. The same discouraging thoughts ran through my head over and over, and the whole experience became a living hell. I almost cried when I was told I was being released. When I was told that I could leave the courtroom, I did just that, I walked right out - upon realizing that no police had exited the courtroom with me, I did a dance and sprinted up the stairs and out of the courthouse. I was free. I ran over to the police station and picked up my nose ring, my keys, and "assorted gold pendants" and the 2 bucks that had been in my pocket, then immediately walked to a corner store to pick up an Arizona Mucho Mango and Grandma's Cookies - Exactly 2 bucks. I didn't have my breeze card, so I snuck into Five Points station and laid on the floor of the train when I got on. It was the most beautiful thing to be free again after all the sorrow and depression of being in jail.

Anyway. I never want to go there again. I need something new to happen in my life. I am too upset these days.
...Fuck HTML

[16 Jul 2009|02:23am]
I was wrong when I said alcohol couldn't take away love. Alcohol made me feel dead. I am now 3 weeks sober, because I'm afraid I will lose all feeling whatsoever if I continue to drink. Every day was a blur, but a slow blur. Distorted - filming the movie I tried to call my life through a dirty lens. Hazy. Dead.
( 03) ... ...Fuck HTML

Jordan [15 Jul 2008|05:32pm]
I left for you, I hope you understand that. Every second that clicked by was my life, our relationship leaking through my fingers. I left for you. I loved you too much to let them keep me away from you any longer. I don't think you'll ever understand, even though you say you do - all I could do every day and every night was sit with my headphones on and think of you. It was a full time job. Nine to five, thinking about you, craving your voice, craving your touch. I had never felt it before, but I knew how it would feel. It feel exactly how I daydreamed it would.

Since I left AYC and came home, life has been everything I hoped it would be, and more... you guys are my happiness. Things are looking up.

Things are getting better. My life is good.
( 02) ... ...Fuck HTML

Damn [22 Feb 2008|10:36am]
I am feeling sort of down lately. Oh well. Visit home in March. Be there or be square. I need to smoke. That's all.
( 07) ... ...Fuck HTML

SOME MORE TIGHT PICTURES [12 Feb 2008|08:24am]
Today was interesting. I was alone in the student cafe early this morning like at 6, writing Jordan a 20 page letter at the table, and this girl named Lilly from Montana Academy came up and sat down next to me and was just like "Hi, Bob." We ended up talking for almost a full hour about lots of things, from music to our hometowns to our problems. It was really awesome. She's from Memphis. I've always wanted to try living in Memphis.

Picture time.

Ready yourself...Collapse )
( 05) ... ...Fuck HTML

Blah. [11 Feb 2008|11:11am]
Same shit, different day.

I just completely blew away my speech class with a dramatic speech on how to peacefully subdue your cat. It was priceless, really, everyone (including me) was in stitches for a large part of it. I'm REALLY proud of my public speaking skills!

This weekend wasn't much different than last weekend. I didn't do much. I ate a nice piece of cake and took my weekly shower. Lifted weights a bunch. I benched 260 this weekend, which in my mind is unbelievable. If I were to backtrack one full year, I could never have seen myself even getting very far past 200. It's cool because I don't look all bulky either, and if I wear bigger shirts I look like a skinny bitch.

The snow has been melting, yesterday was a hair above freezing and it was nice to be able to be outside in shorts and a t-shirt for long periods of time. This morning I woke up around 5:00 and went out on the roof for a "still dark early morning smoke" and busted ass when I slipped on the ice.

I've been sending out a multitude of letters lately, I sent out 7 this weekend and received just as many throughout the week last week. I went through my letters and put them in a binder, I have an assload, over 200. I'm so grateful for all of you - Letters like the ones you send let me know who my real friends are, who actually cares, and who I'll want to spend time with when I get home. There are those who haven't sent me much at all, and I'm disappointed but I guess that's life. I'm thankful for everyone who has taken the time to write to me. It's like a breath of fresh air every time I see a letter in the mailbox for me. I love you guys.
...Fuck HTML

Pictures [04 Feb 2008|10:27am]

Pictures from yesterdayCollapse )
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OCTOBER pictures [01 Feb 2008|12:02pm]
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic
( 05) ... ...Fuck HTML

Refreshing Start [31 Jan 2008|09:22am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Today was cool to begin with. When we dropped the kids off a High School, I decided that I would get out too, so I could see Aly and Jen and get some stuff out of my locker. Sure enough, they were in there, and Jen pretty much tackled me. It was so nice to see them. Mail is great, I mean, it's enough to stay in close correspondence (I'm doing that with someone back home), but it was really great to see them. God, I needed that.

Anyway, my week has been ok. I've been eating a lot of strange shit lately and doing a lot of pushups, which is cool because I hardly ever do pushups. I can do 80 at a time. I was impressed to see that I could do so many.

Also, for my creative writing class (which is amazing) I wrote a character preview. We are writing "stories" but I think mine will be more of a book. I wrote down a grabbing preview paper to give the reader an idea of what the story is going to be about, and I think it's the best short story I have EVER written. I'll put it on here next Tuesday. Also, for speak class, I wrote a how-to speech called "How to Peacefully Subdue Your Cat", and it IS amazing. I'll post it as well.

Anyway, I'm super bored, class doesn't start for 2 more hours. I think I'm going to go back to the student body room and hang out with everyone.

Until next time...

...Fuck HTML

First day of college [29 Jan 2008|10:38am]
So today is the first day of college, and I'm sitting here in my first period class. So far it's fine, althought I really miss Flathead High. This morning I got here around 8, so I sat around in the student lounge with and laughed with a couple fun girls from the other halfway house called Montana Academy. It's about 10:39 now, which is cool. I got a couple hours to just sit and chill with people, and I'm pretty sure it'll be this way every Tuesday, which is nice - I would have liked for things to have been this way in High School. The student lounge has an Xbox in it, and a TV, and food, and a foosball table... awesome. I ate some this morning, and hid my jacket in there so no one would find it. Blah. I feel very scatter-brained right now. Anyway, the building I'm in right now is very pretty, and if I had to describe it, I would describe it as just a big window. It's awesome.

Anyway, I'll write more later. I've got a lot of mixed feelings about a certain something, it's confusing, but the USPS will help me figure it out. Hooray for mailing people.
...Fuck HTML

Last Day of School [25 Jan 2008|09:24am]
I awoke to the droning thumps of the afternoon bell. Groggily, I raised my head from a smelly puddle of drool that had pooled on my desk. Rubbing my eyes with the collar of my shirt, I pushed my chair back with the backs of my knees and stood. I had no books to carry. Walking through the doorway and into the hall, I converged with the flood of underclassmen darting around, the football team whooping, and cheerleaders yelling at their parents through their cell phones. The whole school of over three thousand walking into the forum, I heard talk of parties, beer, weed, McDonalds, and summer trips. My eyes cast low, I followed the flux of raging hormones toward the final destination. The glowing monolith of the front doors, it almost seemed unreal that I was about to pass through them for the last time. As I approached, the light grew brighter and brighter until my vision nearly whited out... and I found myself bathed in golden sunlight. The wind tugged my hood off, and I felt the autumn sun warm the top of my head. School's Out.

...Fuck HTML

[24 Jan 2008|12:44pm]
http://this-is-poetry.livejournal.com/624.html First entry.
( 01) ... ...Fuck HTML

A look back into the life. [24 Jan 2008|12:05pm]
[ mood | reflective ]

So today is a finals day. Barely anyone is here, and I have no finals to take today. So, I’ve been sitting here in the computer lab with Mr. Hanson reading through my old journal entries. I have finished my reading and I have come to the conclusion that I used to be a huge douche. One can reason that it’s ok because most of us were, but I was a HUGE douche. I also read that I lost a lot of friends when I began to change and go through the stages with “glam” and being a scene kid. HA. I’m glad I grew out of that. I didn’t have the slightest idea of what fashion really was. And I had no fashionable clothing. I’m glad to be a man. Also, my first time drinking was on October 2nd, 2005. http://this-is-poetry.livejournal.com/92577.html “i can barely WALK I JUAR had 2 cups of jagermeister and 2 beers. i also smoked abut 4 cigaretteS. IM hwere mentally but my body is so woozy. i love you jilliAN” HA. That’s jacked up. It was a very controversial issue, and I got like 20 comments from people, including Dustin who called me a faggot. It’s so weird – Dustin and I have been best friends for over a year now. We’ve done a lot of things together and we’ve been through a lot. He and Christina even met through me, yeah, Christina Winslett, closest friend in the world. They went on to date for a long ass time. It’s weird how all the people that used to think I was a joke became my best friends. Like Vincent Darnell Wynn II! Haha, I remember how we used to hate each other. And Dustin too. The Loganville group that I almost “fought” http://this-is-poetry.livejournal.com/103800.html Well, I ended up spending EVERY single day for about a year with them. I became attached at the hip with guys like Zach Debroka, Jarod Chase, Reese Blalock, Trey “Stumpy” Hodges, Cameron Paris… etc. And all of the girls too. It’s so strange how contradictory life experiences are. It’s just plain FUCKING CRAZY. And now I’m in Montana. In a rehab aftercare program. FUCKED UP!

So anyway, I today Aly and Jen presented a gift to me during lunch. It was a collection of spoons (I have begun collecting spoons since I have been in Montana) that they went and bought for me at different thrift stores. They’re all different, and each one represents something Aly says. I love them. They’ve been so good to me, and I could never ever forget friends like that, even after I return to Georgia.

If you are on my friends list, I encourage you to go through my journal. Almost my WHOLE teen experience is documented on this thing.

It’s crazy.

Love, Drugs, Depression, Fights, Friends, Bands, Girls, Guys, Music, Styles, Clothes, Religion, etc… fuck.

( 02) ... ...Fuck HTML

Untitled [21 Jan 2008|01:13pm]
A numbing chill gnaws at my face as I push the door to the rooftop deck open, an unlit cigarette dangling idly between my lips. Instantly I feel the hair in my nose freeze; it tickles, and I push on my nose as if it were a tingling red button to crack the hairs. I hear the door shut behind me, and I mechanically pull my hood down over my forehead and start toward the butt can on other side of the deck. The butt can is an old red coffee can, and surrounded by benches on three sides. I smile to myself; it almost looks like the benches are frozen people, dead, huddled around a dead, metallic fire long since extinguished by the cold. I tap my jacket’s pockets in search of a lighter, and I curse myself when I find myself picking up the smoldering butt of an old cigarette and holding it to the end of my own. The wind picks up again, and I feel a shiver shoot down my spine, rattling every inch of my body. I huddle for warmth beneath the clear nighttime sky, periodically taking drags from my cigarette. The ground almost seems lit with the snow reflecting the moonlight so strongly; even the trees seem to be shimmering in the moonlight. Sucking in smoke, I inch my way over to the edge of the balcony – over the balcony I can see the city lights scattered out below for miles and miles, And above the tallest of blinking radio towers is the celestial deity scientists call the Moon. The trees, the radio towers, and even the mountains almost seem to reach to it. I exhale a thick stream of smoke, and even it seems to dance upward into the moonlight. My eyes fix on the it – It’s beautiful, yes, but the main reason for my attention is the energy I feel coming from it. As I fall into the craters and valley of the moon’s luminous surface, I can almost feel your presence. I can feel you next to me, I can feel your warmth through the deadly cold. Still fixated on the moon, my eyes begin to close – I can feel your loving hands on my back, working their way up… and a shiver shoots through me again as the wind picks up. I blink, and shake my head a little. The moon seems so far away now. I take one more drag, stare over the balcony for one more icy moment, turn, and walk to the butt can. Exhaling, I drop the cigarette into it, and walk across the deck, to the door. I stop, my gloved hand paused on the doorknob – and I think back to the times this year I felt most alive. I think back to the beautiful experiences, and I think of you. Suddenly, the wind picks up, and I snap out of my brief daze. I hastily go inside, and slow my pace as I pass the window on the walk toward my room, for I see the smoke from my glowing cigarette butt still ascending up to the sky.
...Fuck HTML

Well, [18 Jan 2008|12:54pm]
The new guys are chill but they both seem really burnt out, and neither really seem like people I would hang out with outside AYC. But, they are from Georgia. So that's cool, I suppose.

Oh, and last night I went and registered at FVCC. It was a tedious process, but I'm taking some cool classes. I'm taking Digital Photography, Creative Writing, and Public Speaking. COOL!

I got my memory card back from Emily, and she put a bunch of pictures on it for me. They ALL make me want to cry. I just keep reminding myself that I'll be back. I will fucking be back.

That's all for now, I guess. I'll write a more in depth entry sometime soon.
( 01) ... ...Fuck HTML

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